Monday, November 7, 2011

Morning Work Out Rant

I have been trying to get myself together in the mornings and haul my sorry, but to the gym. I am by no means in good shape, chubby, is a great description and I can be downright fowl in the mornings. For those other folks that have to put up with my cranky emotional unstable fat behind in the mornings I have a few hints to help get you through your work out and shower time without bodily harm from me.

1. Don't wear perfume/cologne, it is 5am your natural smell is bad enough, your natural smell paired with some horrid over used flowerly,musky nastiness is only going to make me barf on your treadmill.

2. Don't talk about how 'lite' of a workout day it is and proceed to list 5 things taking multiple hours where only executing one would kill me. Though you are amazing and the work out queen, I am a sweating mess next to you and don't want to hear about how easy this all is for you.

3. If you are a sweater of the type that it flies off your body and you towel it off and then flit it so your sweat gets on me, make sure there is a little space between us. If we end up working out on machines right next to each other, flick your sweat on the guy on the other side of you, not ME.

4. Don't bring you kid to the gym to work out at 5am, they are tired don't stay on any equipment more than five minutes and generally take up space that my crankiness doesn't want to deal with, especially when they yell across the gym to you.

5. Don't look at me in the locker room like I just peed on the floor, I am over weight, have had kids and generally am not in the best body shape right now, and your horrified look is not helping. Give me a break at least I am here trying to get myself in a better place and your look is not helping my morning motivation.

6. Don't use the gym hair dryer to dry any hair unless it is on your head, GROSS.

7. While drying your hair please don't think I need a hot wind bath, is just moves the sweat and wet around.

8. Lets talk nudity, you knew I was going to go there. Please oh god please, don't flaunt in or stand right in front of me while you talk to your friend and I tie my shoes, I don't want to get that close to your personals.

9. After am hour working out and the horrors in the locker, I do not want to pass a sweaty person and even feel their sweat let alone have to touch it, please people we can all walk single file, there is no need to walk three sweaty people across and block the isle for those of us that are not CLEAN.

10. Lastly, to the naked lady in the stream room, PLEASE PLEASE, put a towel under it.

Thank you,
From the chubby lady singing in the corner taking up one piece of equipment for an hour.

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