I think her tears were because of extreme frustration with herself and the situation and mine were because I had to watch her struggle and could do nothing to help. In the last months we have made great stride with focus and anxiety with Bean. She is taking a medication to help, but additionally we have talked with her a lot about slowing down, thinking before acting, taking a deep breath. and only focusing on what she needs to get done at the time. Somehow this all went out the window Friday night.
In my mind Friday night was going to be great, this was the fourth belt test, we knew the drill everything would be fine, it was so not fine. There are a lot of reasons this may have happened and I am trying to sort through which issues we can assist Bean with going forward so this won't be a problem in the future. One issue was that the test was late for us, the higher the belt the later the test and the test was at 7pm for green belts. All green belts sit for green belt testing, regular green belts first, high green belts second. Bean and Chicken were high green belts and had to sit and watch 10 other kids test before it was there turn. Having to wait and think about all the tests to come and watching kids go through forms she isn't doing would not be helpful to her. Another issue was that I had been the one taking her to class since the Hubs was sick, there is an outside chance the change shook her and made her jumpy. It was a Friday, usually a down day and that could have impacted her. Lastly, she may just not have been as prepared as we thought. So with all these possible problems which ones do I try and take on and deal with. The one I see as easiest to address is making sure Bean is really prepared and preferably not by her brother. Chicken learns forms pretty easily and frequently ends up helping her, she is much more confident though when she feels confident in class for about a week ahead of testing, and she didn't this time. Another thing we will tackle is making sure Bean knows about the test ahead of time and is mentally prepared, part of that preparedness will be a good nights sleep and making sure she isn't too wound up ahead of time.
Back to testing night. The students sit through the green belts testing and it is time for high green to test. Bean, Chicken and two other kids were the only high green belt testers, it would just be the four of them. This was the smallest group to test that Bean and Chicken had ever been in and Bean looked nervous. The Master spoke and the kids started with their forms testing, Bean did ok the first walk through, on the silent walk through she faltered. Suddenly there was panic in her eyes and a shaking in her legs. The Master asked her to do it again alone, to calm down and try again. She did and she messed it up again, the next time one of the other instructors counted it off for her, she still faltered. This time when her form turned her back our way I could see she was crying. The other instructor corrected her mistakes and they asked her to sit down. She was in tears though not crying enough to be visible from the back. The boys next to Bean worked through their sparing, Chicken totally rocked it out, Nan still looked visibly shaken. This is where I wanted to kiss the Master, he asked that one of the instructors come in to spare with Bean, an instructor she trusted. Within her first spare Bean was back in into the test and did amazing. She rocked out the sparing and the Korean terms, which she has always struggled with. They passed her and all the other parents were incredibly supportive.
Ultimately though our kids will have rough days and failure is a possibility. This will not be the first time I watch her struggle so publicly, it will not be the first time I want to save her. I know in my heart though, the times I don't save her and she succeeds will be the best and sweetest successes.
I'm cringing as I'm reading. I'm so glad she passed and that everyone was supportive. And you're right- her success is all the sweeter for the struggle.
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