Lying

We tell lies every day. That top looks great. Sorry I didn’t hear my phone. These little white lies are sometimes the things that get us through the day. How do we explain and teach our kids though the difference or when it is and isn't ok to lie?


Lying is something people do daily, some are good at it and some aren’t, but how do we explain the subtle differences of lying and how can you teach when someone is lying. Repeatedly, I have told the Things, if someone if trying to get you to do something you don’t want to and you have told them no you can always say my mom won’t let me. That is a lie, we have taught the kids to lie to keep themselves safe, with a lie.

We start when our kids are young by just saying lying is bad don’t do it. Eventually we are caught in our own lies, hopefully not in front of a bunch of other adults, and revise the rules. We explain that sometimes to save someone’s feelings or to keep yourself safe lying may be alright. It seems like, since the moment the rule got revised we have been living in the gray area. The Things tend to learn the same way as most people, they ask is it ok to lie in this situation or that, or more often than not get caught lying themselves. Trying to navigate what is and isn’t acceptable can be tough, and this is a key part to me in social learning that kids must learn. When you are a pretty alert aware kid this is learning that just gets picked up naturally, but when you are not things needs to be a little more spelled out.

How kids learn and react to lying is really varied, even in this house. Thing Two seems to have a pretty innate ability to understand the power of lying. Two weighs his options if he is caught lying; he will admit to a lie when caught, and he is learning to judge when something is big enough not to lie and to just admit it and when to just hold out and deny the lie knowing the punshinment may not be huge.  Two is not easily fooled by people and has been able to start to read inflection or a look and wonder if someone is really telling the whole truth based on tone and body language. Two still struggles with the whole truth vs a half truth, and that is where he is at, learning to follow the principal not just the letter of the law, and what that all means. Lying is one of those areas that Thing One has struggled with forever.  She is a horrible liar, I know the minute she starts to tell me a lie.  She also isn't quite as adept at catching others lying, though she isn't gullible either.  The difference between them is that one is an observer of people and the other is distracted by non-person related things during a conversation. Additionally, the processing required to listen to what a person is saying, read their body language, interpret it all and get a response back out is delayed in One, that also may be why she can't decipher as well the difference between I want to know the truth and I know you are lying and their is serious punishment for trying to get one over on me. 

What is and isn't acceptable varies by social norms I have no concerns Two will manage wherever he is and find that sweet spot, I think One may always require a little extra help in this area. I have told One what her tell is, she won't look you in the eye when she is lying and is obviously is trying too, it looks quite funny.  I have told her this because she is genuine in who she is and when she lies this badly it doesn't seem like she is genuine it seem like she is being manipulative.  She needs to know it so she can either learn not to do it or opt not to lie.  Hopefully this also makes her aware and on the look out for the things other do when they aren't telling the truth.  Two, I won't tell him how I can tell when he is lying, I can barely tell now when he is lying and he is really good at spotting someone elses lies. What are we teaching them though, to deceive, that seems horrid.  Teaching the truth is what we are striving for, but sometimes not the whole truth and that may be the dividing line.

Park Fun Time

Snooping around for a summer family activity that we would all enjoy and somehow also integrate writing can be a difficult task. Both the Things hate to write and it shows in their projects at school.  Thankfully the latest Family Fun magazine showed up at our door and the seed was formed.  The Family Fun talked about making a summer passport of all your adventures, Boise has a pretty amazing Park system and there are playgrounds and public art structures throughout the park system. A quick Internet search brought up the Boise Park and Rec website, this site has a great filter that gives just a list of the parks with what you want, playgrounds and public art was our search criteria. One draw back when you go back to the list after open up the link to a specific park your filter is gone.  After a little searching we came up with a list of parks with their locations for our first adventure, that had both public art and a playground.  At a garage sale we picked up a little beanie baby hedgehog, this was declared the family stuffie by Thing Two and he became the ambassador to our summer park passport program.  Lastly I picked up some decorate your own notebooks at a craft store and let the kids go nuts decorating them. 

The first time we went out the goal was 4 parks in one day, we packed up a lunch and headed out not really knowing how this all would go. In an attempting to encourage writing skills I made up some guidelines.  They were as basic, at each park we will take a picture of the park sign, and the things we were there to visit, the first parks were playgrounds and the public art.  The Things would write the name of the park in their journal on one side of the paper and on the next piece write a few sentences about what they liked and didn't like about the park.  The blank piece of paper with the park name would eventually get a picture of them at the park.  The writing part didn't go over great, but visiting a ton of parks was too tempting to pass up.

We learned a lot that first day out and this will impact how we continue this going forward. We are early risers and we know now if we can avoid it; don't hit the sub division based parks early. Go to the larger parks where a 'outside' voiced Thing Two can't wake all the neighbors within a mile.  Another tip, when the playground equipment looks crappy it usually is, don't waste too much time the kids just get frustrated.  If there are very young kids playing on the older kid playground equipment, don't stay long someone if bound to get injured and it is better to just not be

there when it happens.  Always be ready to stay at the really cool parks a little longer, we found an amazing playground at Borah Park, a three story playground structure, and hung out there for about an hour.  Bring a ball, Thing Two really wanted to throw around a football and at every park with a basketball Thing One asked if we could we play.  Be ready for anything, we ran across a great farmers market/local artist market at Bond Crossing and ended up taking on the traffic to see all the great art.  Take books and do your daily reading during lunch, this gave us a great break and the Things loved reading outside.  Our first foray out was really successful and everyone came home tired and happy.

We visited all four parks on the first visit and hit another three this weekend. We are running out of parks with public art and playgrounds so are going to start mixing it up with playgrounds at some parks and art or open space at others.  Boise has a few really cookie parks, like a round about on a busy street that we want to hit too.  There are over a 100 facilities listed on the Boise Park website, so we figure we can keep this up most of the summer.  I am going to have to think of something really cool if we end up hitting all the parks. 

Next on my agenda, making the PVC sprinkler kid car wash, in this month's Family Fun magazine, and finding more parks.

What are your summer family fun activities?

This is the Public Art at Helen B Lowder Park, it is suppose to encourage people to create their own game.

Far Away Friendships

 We have started a bit of a tradition on Memorial Day. Some friends who live in Washington come to town and we have a BBQ, have all the friends over and usually end up at the Zoo or the Discovery Center, depending on the weather. This was the first year that when I mentioned our friends arrival coming The Things got excited. Both remembered their friends from the year before and remembered their love of Star Wars and started talking about their visit last year. This is also happening with a few other sets of friends who don’t live so close, and we have all been too busy to catch up with more than about once a year. Having The Things remember their friends makes the experiences of their visits all the better.

These friendships that are being developed will hopefully continue in years to come, but Thing One seems to be at a bit of a disadvantage being the only girl in this group. Of the three groups of friends who come and go with some type of yearly visit there is only a single girl near Thing Ones age. So far the girl thing hasn’t been too bad, but defiantly there is a point when Thing Two takes over the boy play and Thing One wanders off. Thing One has always been independent and a bit of a loner, so I think it has as much to do with her needing a break as the whole boy thing. I always say she is going to end up being the last minute date for all these boys when their girlfriends dump them right before the big dance. Honestly though, Thing One seems to truly enjoy the relationships she has with these far away friends. When we meet up again with these friends, she has gotten over the shyness that can sometimes plague her and immediately saunters over to these far away friends and falls in with them starting up a chat.

Thing Two has what I consider a classic boy relationship with most of these friends. These boys are almost all older and Thing Two looks up to them, wants to be friends with them and is always anxious to play. He immediately grabs a friend in the house and either leads them to the video games or takes them outside to whoop around like crazies. These friendships he sees as not separated by miles or distance, just the ability to be in the same proximity. There is no catching up needed for Thing Two, just a body willing to play. He is flexible to try most activities any of these kids are up too, as long as he gets to participate and not be treated as a baby or the little brother.

These people that flit in and out of our lives are really always with us and we always enjoy their company so much. I am thrilled that the kids all get along and hope this continues for years to come. I hope that these children thrown together by their parents’ enjoyment of each other keeps these kids trying to find common ground with each other, whether it is yearly or bi-yearly. At the age most of these guys are at they are flexible in their play and interests and don’t always need too much in common, but I know this will not always be the case. At some point these kids will have to work to find commonality, and I hope with every part of me they do. I hope they stay connected, not just as a parent who wants to hang out with another parent I love, but because all these kids bring diversity and uniqueness to the Things lives.

 

Water Safety Time

I am the mom that makes my kids wear their life jackets in the river, even though it is like a foot deep. As The Things have gotten older and become better swimmers I have loosened this rule a little, if they are just catching frogs on the bank no life jackets are required, but otherwise WEAR THEM.....

I grew up playing in the ocean, did swim team, was a lifeguard, a swim coach, and a swim instructor and I have had three near drownings.  The first time I don't even remember, I was in a shallow tide pool and the tide came in, thankfully I had some swimming and rolled on my back until the adults all showed, I have heard the story a million times.  When I was twelve we were rafting and I was on a tube behind the boat, when the boat went to get another boat out of trouble the current caught me and I wrapped the tube with the rope around a tree and was trapped by the rope with most of my face in the water, my uncle quickly got me.  At 20 while life guarding and teaching swimming at a camp I got between two people in a heated argument and was hit accidentally, it was just enough and I went under.  I can remember the feeling of my fingers sliding off the dock and knowing it was bad.  Thankfully, another lifeguard on duty saw what was happening and pulled me out. Drownings can happen at any time and not necessarily with the shouts of help me and flailing arms we always see.  Even if you are a strong swimmer it doesn't mean you are always going to be able to swim your way out of it, be cautious and be aware.

When you play on the river or out on a lake a life jacket may be a pain, but kids need to wear them, they keep them safe.  Much like bike helmets I feel that an adult can make the decision for themselves depending on the situation, but kids should always wear them when playing in rivers or lakes.  The first time we ever got the things in the water and they were comfortable we practiced slipping on rocks and what the Things should do. What they should do is point their feet down river, cross their arms over their chests and yell for help.  What they did do as roll on their stomachs and try to swim back to us.  Kids need support in water crisis situations and a life jacket gives them that, swim lessons help but they will not make your children invisible.

Just like talking about what to do in a fire, talking to your child about what they should do in and around water is important.  Kids should know and have drilled into them to never go into the water to save someone else. THROW SOMETHING, CALL 911, GET AN ADULT; but no matter what DO NOT GO IN.  Every year in the Treasure Valley where we live there is a heart breaking story about someone falling into a raging canal and someone else going in after them, usually these situations end horribly with both parties drowning.  Without talking about the fact that you should 'REACH OR THROW, BUT NEVER GO'; kids will go in and get into just as much trouble as the person who was in trouble in the first place.

A few more key basics and then I will get off my soap box. Swim lessons are not a bad idea for any child, but particular one who has water fears. I taught at Flow Aquatics, and both Things attended classes there; if you are looking for a place in Boise that is year round and offers summer intensives this is the place.  Always teach your kids to ASK BEFORE THEY GET IN, this is a great reminder to the adults they ask to pay attention to their swimmers. As a lifeguard I can tell you, sometimes it is tough to keep your eyes on everyone and the extra set of eyes you the parent have are important. As a parent I try to keep and eye on the things and remind them to always ask before they get in if they forget, and when they go with daycare to a pool to only go where they are comfortable.  Another tip, just because your child has on floaters doesn't mean they are safe, floaters and water toys are not life jackets and will not save a child who gets in trouble. Teach young children to stay away from the edges of open water unless they are playing in it and ask to get in, often kids don't intend to fall in they just get too close and tip over.  Wear sun screen, no one can have fun in the sun with a burned back; I have not always worn it and now know my dermatologist better than I should. 

I will now climb off my soap box, thank you for listening and have a great summer.

Homemade Bulletin Boards

 I have been experimenting with making a bulletin boards for the Things off and on for some time. The first ones I made were out of canvas picture frames. They were ok, but a number of the accents fell off quickly.  This latest incarnation involves plywood and a staple gun. Thankfully there were no trips to the hospital, most people know I am a bit of a klutz.

Supplies needed
2' by 4' by 1" plywood
1 1/2 yards of fabric
2 yards of battening
Spool (?) of ribbon
2 squares of cork board
1' by 6" metal sheet (not aluminium)
2 D rings
Cut tacks

4 screws

a staple gun

Glue Gun

Take the plywood and lay the battening out on it leaving about 1/2" all the way around, double up the battening on one side. Staple gun everything down well.  Don't worry about the back we clean that up later.  After the battening lay the fabric flat, good side on the floor and lay the plywood down on top battened side down. Staple gun the fabric on to the back, the most even way to staple the fabric is to staple the fabric in the middle of each side first and then staple the corners.  I did the corners like a package to make sure that no extra fabric showed on the corners.  Then you can staple all the in between places.

I then drilled holes in the metal, I made the mistake of getting sheet metal, bad idea it was aluminum and hence not magnetic.  We are trying to decide now if we are just going to paint the metal with magnetic paint or actually get metal that is magnetic.  I would recommend if you're an idiot like me to take a magnet to the home improvement store. 

Back to the work at hand, screw the metal to the board through the fabric. After this step you start getting to play with the tacks.  These were great, black and sharp and looked nice. Use the tacks to attach the cork at the corners.  I laid our the ribbon the way I wanted it to look and wove it together in any area that they overlapped.  I used the tacks on all the ribbons ends, hanging the ribbon over the ends, or ending it in on the cork edges when I could.  Tack the ends of the ribbon and where it overlaps or every 3 or 4 inches put another tack.  The tacks when hammered in well will allow papers to stay up pretty easily. On the back of the board there was quite a bit of clean up.  A lot of the tacks went through the back and there was fabric hanging out. I used a glue gun to hold down the fabric in places and used it to cover the tacks that went through.

These were not terribly cheap to make and I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to the cost. Thing Ones was a lot cheaper since her fabric was a lot cheaper. I also ended up buying more supply wise than you would really need since I wasn't sure what it would take.  I only made on trip to the fabric store, but 4 to Lowe's and ended up buying A LOT of different nails and screws that I wasn't sure what would work. 

I love these and I think they turned out fabulous so decided to share. I would LOVE to see if anyone else makes one what they might look like.

What we talk about on Memorial Day

Both the Things Grandfathers and one Great Grandfather have served in the military during war time. My father served during Vietnam stateside and my Grandfather and Father in Law both served overseas in World War Two. 
The last many months my husband and I have been scanning in a journal my Father in Law wrote while serving in World War two. He was on the beaches of Normandy and walked across Europe a few days behind the front line US troops. It has been amazing to see the War from the perspective of a 20 year old man whose life stopped for this. He was in the band and playing JV baseball for Notre Dame when he went in, he continued that life when he got out. The letters we have seen and journal we scanned in show that life didn't stop while these men were away, people got married and friends continued to play in the band. The letters to another friend who was also serving showed more concern their would be no girls when they got home, and no place for themselves at school. They seemed less concerned with their own lives and the gruesome details of what they endured day in and day out, than life when they got out.  There is a journal entry talking about coming across a downed German plane and what these young men had to do to clean it up, but it is never mention in any letter and explained in a very distant way.  The journal ends with my father in law stating 'and at the end of it all I find out "XX" is a bum', we are guessing the girl he liked married while he was gone.  World War Two from history class to family members who lost their lives in it has always seemed mythic, and this journal reminded me these are just young men, like the young men and women serving now.
Reading the journal has allowed me the chance to get to know the man a little better. I met my father in law in the later end of his life, and though he was a talker I never felt like I knew him very well.  I learned more about him through his children and wife.  We would chat in the mornings on occasion when we went to visit over coffee, but I never felt like we had a ton in common.  My father in law was always warm to myself and my family, not always saying the right thing, but always inquired after them and hoping well for them. When Thing One was born so ill and he went in to see her in the NICU, he just keep telling us he wanted to just take her out of there and make her OK.  He adored his granddaughters, everyone.  When he passed away I was pregnant with Thing Two, the only boy in the troop, and I wonder often what he would have thought of him.
Thing Two looks like his dad, which means he looks like his grandfather. Actually Thing Two looks like both grandfathers as children, and hopefully he will become the great man both of these men are and were.
Until Thing One and Two can read the journal for themselves or put a wreath on their Great Great Uncles grave at Pearl Harbor we will spend a little piece of Memorial Day talking about the sacrifices that have been made and continue to be made and why, and spend some time with great friends to remember no matter what life goes on and needs to be lived. 

Tutoring Update..Good News and Questions

I had a pow wow with Thing Ones tutor today, we are about 1/2 way through her first round of tutoring and getting ready for a break before the summer tutoring rounds start. There was good news and impressive results along with questions about what the decisions and forward steps should be. 

I have questioned a lot about our choice of tutoring, where and who, and how much; but today changed my mind.  Thing One is reading 20 words more per minute than previously and has increased another score by 1/3.  She is making great strides with phonics.  The phonics breakdowns she couldn't do before she can do now and with ease.  She was playing around and answering almost quicker than the questions being asked. Her math score though low, was attributed to attitude more than anything else. 

The issues and questions are around the attitude along with her attention.  Her tutor multiple times mentioned that she was highly distractable even though this was one on one tutoring. The line that really made me think was, "She is so distractable in here, I can't imagine her being productive in a classroom environment".  This may explain why there were so many teaching concerns this year, the questions always seem to be is this her processing, her attitude, or that she just isn't paying attention? 

This keeps coming up, her attention, her focus, her ability to be successful in class. She didn't trigger the attention scale, she had 6 markers, 7 identifies her as having an attention issue.  6 out of the 7 is awfully close though, and her support adults keep bringing this up. I read quite a bit before we received the report about girls and ADD. Most girls don't get identified until junior high because at junior high the organization most kids have ADD girls don't and they fail. Medication can be most effective early so that a child with attention issues can learn those organization skills and can usually be discontinued in late adolescence if kids start by 8 at the latest. Thing One is 8, if there is an attention issue and we start her now there is a chance a lot of the attention issues may resolve which will give her the focus to learn the skills she needs.  I am just not sure if she needs medication, or if it will help, and haven't we dragged her through enough?

The only true way to tell if a kid has ADD is to give them the meds, if they get hyper they don't have it and if they get focused they do. The question is, do we try the meds and see if they help?

The tutor and I have decided a summer of work with the coaching counselor and the tutor keeping a close eye on Thing One's attention will help clarify what is going on. I don't want to rush to medication, but I do realize the girl can make some people, me, crazy.  She is difficult to keep focused, has a hard time initiating work, we have a long running joke of yelling 'SQUIRREL' when we want to get her attention. 

No decisions have been made and we don't know for sure the path we are going to take, but now more than ever before I am feeling like a decisions need to be made, and end of summer will come awfully soon.